Random Scribblings in the Margin

I had my first capoeira music class yesterday. It was also my first class taught by Mestre Valdir (equivalent to Kyoshi Richards at karate) rather than Formada Vicky (equivalent to a first or second dan black belt, I think). We did an hour of music followed by an hour of playing. I can now sort of play the tambourine! Things I have learnt: ( Read more... )

Shorter last post:

It's sort of getting to the point where yes, I'm sure you're sorry you trod on my toe, and no, I know you'd never do such a thing on purpose, and yes, I'm happy to forgive you, and no, I won't hold a grudge or anything, and yes, I know you're deeply hurt by the idea that there could be any malice behind your actions, but please, will you STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT AND JUST GET OFF MY DAMN TOE?!?!?!?!

Because I'm sick of saying this and having people look at me like I'm paranoid and/or stupid:

You have no legal right to choose your psychiatrist¹

Unfortunately there is no legal right to a second opinion²

My counsellor is very... consumer capitalist. He absolutely cannot grasp the idea that, as a patient, I get what I'm given. And when I say no, while there may be guidelines that doctors may or may not bother to follow, I have no legal right whatsoever to do the things you're suggesting, he looks at me like he's never heard of this before. Then he says he's going to look into that (because my word cannot be trusted, clearly).

Putting someone in a position where they're forced to explain, again and again, just how powerless and screwed they are, is (*drumroll*)... DEPRESSING. Don't do it. Don't dangle false hope. Don't tell me "you're sure" it's not that bad when you don't, in fact, know.

I am very, very pleased that these depressing facts became less relevant when sheer chance granted me a humane psychiatrist. But sheer chance is all it was, and if it hadn't, there wouldn't be a great deal I could do about it.

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¹ Rethink, 'My doctor is not listening', http://www.rethink.org/about_mental_illness/talking_to_doctors/my_doctor_is_not_lis.html, last accessed 27/09/2010.

² Rethink, 'What is a second opinion?', http://www.rethink.org/about_mental_illness/how_is_mental_illness_diagnosed/what_is_a_second_opi.html, last accessed 27/09/2010.

Now granted, when it comes to psychiatric treatment, I am not a nice person. I am angry, I am ruthless in achieving my goals, and I am a smartass. The shrinks don't like this. It hurts their feelings.

Thing is, my anger, my ruthlessness and my smartassery has done more for me than they ever have. They're what I turn on myself when dealing with things like my eating disorder, the urge to get drunk, the urge to cut up my arms, and strings of panic attacks or checking that stop me getting on with my day. When I'm tired and down and running on empty, I can throw them on and swirl them like a badass leather trenchcoat and they hold me up for a little bit longer. They're the autopilot I switch to when dealing with situations that would leave me a sobbing heap on the floor if I actually engaged emotionally. They're also pretty good for dealing with people who would otherwise walk all over my stated wishes with their professional status and their psychonormative privilege. They work.

So the prospect of ditching them, in order to spare the feelings of people who have done worse than nothing for me? Unlikely to go down well.

(This post was brought to you by this morning's upcoming psychiatric appointment.)

I had my first capoeira class yesterday. It lasted three hours, and subsequently I hurt. It's zero-contact! Why do I hurt? (Because it requires leg strength and flexibility that I just don't have. Yet.)

I like it, I think. It's so totally different from karate that years of muscle memory is kicking my ass. I see a kick coming, I smack it out of the way and counter with a punch. Or I catch it and knock them over. I certainly don't turn my back on my opponent and do a cartwheel!

I went with falling_softly, and we were both very shy. I think we found it difficult, too, because we're used to the Japanese etiquette of karate. When in doubt, "osu, Sensei" and bow. Karate is honour-based and capoeira is trickery-based. Karate is lawful and capoeira is chaotic? Yes, that works.

I was also amused that my martial arts career has gone Kyokushin karate --> quick dabble in Southern mantis kung fu and kick-boxing --> Shotokan karate --> capoeira. I started off with the nasty full-contact stuff, and got gentler over the years.

So on Sunday 26th September, I'll be doing the Great Gorilla Run. This is a 7km run through London wearing gorilla suits. (Yes, I will at some point upload a photo of me in my gorilla suit. How will you know it's me? My gorilla suit will have PIERCINGS, dammit.)

This is to raise money for the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund, to help save the remaining 720 mountain gorillas. I haven't seen the film, but I've read the original Gorillas in the Mist book, and they really do need saving.

So if you could possibly sponsor me here, that would be awesome and I'd be really grateful. So far I've got £285 of my £400 target.

Disclaimer: I don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable about not wanting or not being able to sponsor me. That's cool, too. I don't plan to do this very often.

I've figured out why counselling is increasingly annoying me, and why in particular it went so badly on Tuesday. It's because we're doing cognitive therapy. ( Read more... )