Predictably enough
Sep. 29th, 2010 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
frightenedI'm getting fed up with my counsellor.
Yesterday, we spent longer than I wanted to on discussing why I don't like cognitive therapy approaches. Okay, here's the thing. If someone says "I don't want you to do this", don't spend ages arguing why. Don't try to convince her that this is, in fact, a good thing. It makes her suspicious that you're going to do this. Just... don't fucking do it, okay? I eventually just interrupted him and said, "Look, I didn't intend for this to be up for negotiation. Call it a hard limit."
His sense of timing is appalling. We'll spend the middle of the session talking about inconsequential crap. How's work? Fine. How's karate? Keeping me sane. How's your relationship? The best thing in my life. I'll finally manage to steer the conversation back onto something worthwhile about ten minutes before the end of the session, just in time for me to go back outside with my protective scabs ripped off. I need to break this cycle, because he's clearly not going to. I need to stop answering questions I find irrelevant. And no answering difficult/upsetting questions when there's less than ten minutes to go. He will probably call this hostility on my part.
He keeps looking for reasons. There are no reasons! I've been like this for ten years! If I wasn't hardwired for crazy to start with, neural plasticity means I bloody well am now.* It's self-perpetuating. The time to look for reasons was nine years and eleven months ago. The damage is done. And that bothers the fuck out of me. I know my life is fine. I know I don't have a defining trauma. I know I don't have any fucking excuse, okay?
I was trying to explain this to him. Because I was happier last week than I was this week, on account of having the surprisingly-pleasant psychiatrist appointment. He couldn't understand why I wasn't still on a high. I'm like, "Look, people react to events. It doesn't last forever. Everything gradually returns to the baseline, and my baseline is set lower than most people's." I don't know how to say this any plainer: I am not looking for short-term pick-me-ups or a happier way of looking at things. I am looking for a way to make peace with how bad it actually is. I want to find a way to accept it and move on.
He's also started pulling that thing where he's allowed to say things with unfortunate connotations, and I have to accept that as an honest mistake on his part. I, however, must be careful of his feelings at all times. I can't help thinking that this is the wrong way around. There's a limit to how many times I can say "I'm sure that your intentions are good, but this is how it makes me feel" or "I know you didn't intend this, but this is how it comes across" before I just yell, "For fuck's sake, mate, it's not all about you!" I was trying to explain how cognitive approaches make me feel, and he said I was accusing him of judging me. Aargh, no, not what I said. I said the cognitive approach starts from the viewpoint that the patient is wrong about her own experiences, and that that makes me feel bad from the get-go. I didn't say "and you're a big meanie-head for doing it".
He spent way too much time being "really surprised" and saying he'd "need to look into that" about the no-legal-right-to-change-psychiatrist thing. I was not remotely surprised. I also have faith in my sources. And I just... I can't be doing with someone who'll favour what he thinks ought to be true over what actually is true. I want to face the crappiness and deal with it. I need someone who'll face it with me, and not be constantly shocked by it, because their psychonormative** privilege has protected them from ever seeing it before.
What I'm looking for, is a sense of coherence. A sense of peace. I can do the balancing act; I just want to know it might get me somewhere, one day. I don't need help balancing. I need help with the notion that I might as well jump before I fall. I have zero interest in the short term. I know the short term is going to be fine. That's what the meds and the karate and the forceful application of common sense and self-discipline are for. I'm horrified by the idea of spending the next fifty years clutching one straw after another, going from one short-term solution to another. I'm burnt out on that one after ten. What does he tell me? I shouldn't worry about the future. I should do more things that distract me now. I shouldn't think about it. Pardon me, but if I shouldn't think about it, why the hell am I coming to you every week to think about nothing else for an hour? PICK ONE. INTERNAL CONSISTENCY, DAMMIT.
* Yes, it also means I can get un-hardwired. Working on it. It's a long, slow, difficult process.
** I think the word "neurotypical" is excellent, but I don't want to steal it from the ASD folks. Also, the "neuro" part implies brain development in a way that isn't quite right for mental illnesses. The -normative suffix also has a good history when talking about gender and sexuality; it's got connotations I like.
Yesterday, we spent longer than I wanted to on discussing why I don't like cognitive therapy approaches. Okay, here's the thing. If someone says "I don't want you to do this", don't spend ages arguing why. Don't try to convince her that this is, in fact, a good thing. It makes her suspicious that you're going to do this. Just... don't fucking do it, okay? I eventually just interrupted him and said, "Look, I didn't intend for this to be up for negotiation. Call it a hard limit."
His sense of timing is appalling. We'll spend the middle of the session talking about inconsequential crap. How's work? Fine. How's karate? Keeping me sane. How's your relationship? The best thing in my life. I'll finally manage to steer the conversation back onto something worthwhile about ten minutes before the end of the session, just in time for me to go back outside with my protective scabs ripped off. I need to break this cycle, because he's clearly not going to. I need to stop answering questions I find irrelevant. And no answering difficult/upsetting questions when there's less than ten minutes to go. He will probably call this hostility on my part.
He keeps looking for reasons. There are no reasons! I've been like this for ten years! If I wasn't hardwired for crazy to start with, neural plasticity means I bloody well am now.* It's self-perpetuating. The time to look for reasons was nine years and eleven months ago. The damage is done. And that bothers the fuck out of me. I know my life is fine. I know I don't have a defining trauma. I know I don't have any fucking excuse, okay?
I was trying to explain this to him. Because I was happier last week than I was this week, on account of having the surprisingly-pleasant psychiatrist appointment. He couldn't understand why I wasn't still on a high. I'm like, "Look, people react to events. It doesn't last forever. Everything gradually returns to the baseline, and my baseline is set lower than most people's." I don't know how to say this any plainer: I am not looking for short-term pick-me-ups or a happier way of looking at things. I am looking for a way to make peace with how bad it actually is. I want to find a way to accept it and move on.
He's also started pulling that thing where he's allowed to say things with unfortunate connotations, and I have to accept that as an honest mistake on his part. I, however, must be careful of his feelings at all times. I can't help thinking that this is the wrong way around. There's a limit to how many times I can say "I'm sure that your intentions are good, but this is how it makes me feel" or "I know you didn't intend this, but this is how it comes across" before I just yell, "For fuck's sake, mate, it's not all about you!" I was trying to explain how cognitive approaches make me feel, and he said I was accusing him of judging me. Aargh, no, not what I said. I said the cognitive approach starts from the viewpoint that the patient is wrong about her own experiences, and that that makes me feel bad from the get-go. I didn't say "and you're a big meanie-head for doing it".
He spent way too much time being "really surprised" and saying he'd "need to look into that" about the no-legal-right-to-change-psychiatrist thing. I was not remotely surprised. I also have faith in my sources. And I just... I can't be doing with someone who'll favour what he thinks ought to be true over what actually is true. I want to face the crappiness and deal with it. I need someone who'll face it with me, and not be constantly shocked by it, because their psychonormative** privilege has protected them from ever seeing it before.
What I'm looking for, is a sense of coherence. A sense of peace. I can do the balancing act; I just want to know it might get me somewhere, one day. I don't need help balancing. I need help with the notion that I might as well jump before I fall. I have zero interest in the short term. I know the short term is going to be fine. That's what the meds and the karate and the forceful application of common sense and self-discipline are for. I'm horrified by the idea of spending the next fifty years clutching one straw after another, going from one short-term solution to another. I'm burnt out on that one after ten. What does he tell me? I shouldn't worry about the future. I should do more things that distract me now. I shouldn't think about it. Pardon me, but if I shouldn't think about it, why the hell am I coming to you every week to think about nothing else for an hour? PICK ONE. INTERNAL CONSISTENCY, DAMMIT.
* Yes, it also means I can get un-hardwired. Working on it. It's a long, slow, difficult process.
** I think the word "neurotypical" is excellent, but I don't want to steal it from the ASD folks. Also, the "neuro" part implies brain development in a way that isn't quite right for mental illnesses. The -normative suffix also has a good history when talking about gender and sexuality; it's got connotations I like.
