Dear filthy revolting inhabitants of Erdington, Birmingham

It is unseasonably warm and sunny. This means that people like me, who overheat easily and are trying to avoid being a Sweaty McStinkfeet, will be walking the pavements in sandals.

(For yes, trainers do actually come off! They are not welded to your feet until such time as they disintegrate from their own terrible fumes.)

Here is a typical, though not exhaustive, list of things I would rather not have near my naked toes:

• Pools of human piss, canine piss, Special Brew or White Lightning (the four are often indistinguishable)
  
• Lumps of phlegm in a saliva suspension
  
• Dog shit
  
• Used condoms

No love, for fear I might catch something,

Lorna